Through an amazing stroke of friendship, my Mom and I were lucky enough to attend the Oprah Surprise Spectacular at the United Center on Tuesday. Being in an enclosed space with 22,000 other women is not something I'll forget. This isn't about all the celebs that showed up, or what a cool lady Oprah is (and I genuinely think she's an incredible person), this is about the fans. And, the two categories of people that made themselves clear.
The people who can follow directions.
The people who cannot.
Without spoiling the surprises for those who actually want to be surprised, I'll explain what I mean.
There were three moments of "choreographed" audience participation, and we're not talking group Electric Slide. We're talking "hold this thing up when I say hold this thing up."
First, there were the books. Part of the surprise for Oprah was a book donation made by each audience member, and as a symbol of that donation, at the right moment everyone was to:
1. Take your book out of the black plastic bag.
2. Stand up and wave it around like you just won a challenge on DoubleDare.
Sounds easy, yes? No. Here are things that happened, just during "rehearsal."
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EMCEE: Okay! Everyone ready!
Handful of people: (JUMPING SCREAMING, WAVING BOOKS)
EMCEE: No! Not yet, not until I say, "Cue the Audience!"
Handful of people: (JUMPING SCREAMING, WAVING BOOKS)
EMCEE: ....Okay....."Cue the Audience"
Everyone else: (JUMPING SCREAMING, WAVING BOOKS)
Other handful of people: (JUMPING SCREAMING, WAVING BLACK PLASTIC BAGS)
EMCEE: Remember to take your book out of the bag!
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Awesome. Good. These are the people who drive away from the gas station with the nozzle still in their car.
So, my Mom and I thought, well...they are just excited. No problem. They'll do better next time...then came the Finger Lights. Little adorable LED lights that fit onto your finger like a ring. On/Off switch located on the top. The instructions were to put the lights onto your fingers but leave them switched off until FamousMusicPerson came walking down the long runway on stage. Then everyone turn them on, dance, go nuts.
Here's what happened.
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FamousIntroducingPerson: And now! FamousMusicPerson!!
handful of people: ZOMG!!! It's FAMOUSMUSICPERSON! I am turning my finger lights on RIGHT F-ING NOW. (lights begin to appear around the stadium)
larger group of people: Wait...FamousMusicPerson is here, but she hasn't walked down the runway yet, but those people already did it! No! I'm late! Oprah will be so angry! (more lights appear)
30 seconds later
everyone else: Yay! FamousMusicPerson! Oooh! She's walking down the runway (finger lights on).
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The most ridiculous part is that they shot this segment TWICE. The Emcee came out and reminded everyone about not turning them on, blah blah. But, when we taped the second time...it happened EXACTLY the same way.
Perhaps there is a link between these people and the folks who "forget" to "pay your parking ticket here before exiting the facility" and then jam up the exit for 15 minutes.
The final, and unfortunately most blatant, example of this was the "card stunt." You've seen this all over the place. A section of the audience are given white cards to hold up over their heads and form either a picture or, in this case, a projection surface.
The Emcee tried to front load the instructions...but, well...
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EMCEE: Okay! Card sections! Are you ready to practice!
CARD SECTION: YEAH!
EMCEE: Great! Put your card on your lap, instructions facing you!
CARD SECTIONS: (PEOPLE HOLD CARDS IN FRONT OF THEIR FACES)
EMCEE: Nope! Not yet. Just put it on your lap!
CARD SECTION: (PEOPLE HOLD CARDS IN FRONT OF THEIR FACES, UPSIDE DOWN)
EMCEE: The eye holes are for your eyes! But don't hold them up yet! Put them on your lap!
CARD SECTION: (MOST PEOPLE PUT THE CARDS DOWN. SOME FLIP THEM AROUND)
EMCEE: Yep, nope! Instructions should be facing YOU, not out, but don't put the cards up yet!....Okay! Let's practice....1, 2, 3, GO!
CARD SECTION: (2/3rds OF THE CARDS GO UP. HALF ARE UPSIDE DOWN, SEVERAL PEOPLE JUST SIT WITH THEIR CARD IN THEIR LAP, LOOKING AT THE OTHER CARDS, AND A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE ARE HOLDING THEIR BOOKS IN FRONT OF THEIR CARDS)
EMCEE:........Good! Okay. Yeah...
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Bless that Emcee, she did a great job, and fortunately during the taping the card section did much better...but holy cow! These are the people flying home who leave their shoes on in security and try to take full bottles of wine through the checkpoint.
Maybe I'm a little harsh here, but I take a great deal of pride in being able to follow instructions. I'm not a robot (or am I!) but there are certain things where doing what you are told makes things not only easier, but safer/faster/cleaner, etc. Anyone who has ever attempted to put a piece of IKEA furniture together knows this.
Overall, the taping was a phenomenal experience and our section (303! woo!) took great pride in identifying the continuing missteps of the "Card Section" and trying to coach them from afar. We got out around midnight, at which point I had to basically eat all my judgey feelings about the card section because I accidentally left my headlights on...and the battery died.
In semi-fairness to me, the "dinger" that says, "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Lights! Lights! Lights!" when I get out of the car, is broken . I recently purchased my own set of jumper cables specifically because of the broken (and apparently unfixable) dinger.
We flagged down two lovely ladies to see if they would be kind enough to let me jump my battery from their car. Here's how it went down.
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LD: I'm so sorry to bother you, but my battery is dead.
Lady 1: Oh no! Do you need a jump?
LD: I do, would you mind? I have my own cables here and everything, it'll only take a second.
Lady 1: Do you need to call your husband?
LD:.....?
Lady 1: To tell you how to do it? I can call my husband if you need me to.
LD: Oh! No, I don't have a husband, and I know how to jump a car. It's okay, but thank you so much for the offer.
Lady 1: Are you sure? It's okay...
LD: Really, we're good. I promise.
(the two ladies arrive a few moments later driving a gorgeous Mercedes)
LD: Thank you! Thank you!
(a few moments pass)
Lady 2: Um...I don't know how to open the hood.
LD: On your car?
Lady 2: Yeah! I've never had to open it...let me look though...
Lady 1: Usually our husbands do all the car things! I'll call him and ask.
(meanwhile, Mom has spotted a parking lot attendant and asked him to come bring his truck over, which he has started doing)
LD: It's okay, really. I think we found another one.
Lady 2: What if it's like my gas tank? If I just push on it really hard, will it pop open?
LD: I doubt it, and you don't want to dent the hood.
Lady 2: (she begins shoving the hood) Maybe I'll just try it...
LD: No! Really. Don't. It's okay. Look! Here comes the guy!
Lady 1: We're really sorry...I can't believe we don't know how to open it...
LD: Please, you are so kind to even offer. No worries at all! Have a good night!
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Before I go on let me just say that I am so grateful that they even offered to stop and help. I mean them no ill-will by sharing the experience, but it did make me wonder how many people are walking around who have no idea how to pop their own hood. I can understand being wary of jumping your own car, but the hood!
Anyway. I felt simultaneously like WonderGirl, person who does man-type things in a skirt, and like some strange unmarried alien person waving around two jumper cables going "No husband, only electrical knowledge."
The parking lot man was very helpful, and we were on our way in a matter of minutes. Despite my own directional hiccup we got home fairly quickly. Even though I'd been forced to look my own judgements of the others in the audience, I slept like a log, content in the knowledge that even if I left my lights on, at least I took my book out of the black plastic bag.
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